19 Funny Quotes That Will Tickle Your Innards

I shared my favorite quotes of all time.

Now, I’d like to share some of the funniest quotes I’ve read.

Epic ClownSo, put a big smile on your face and get your read on.

Oh wait, grab a cup of joe, or tea…or carrot juice first. Then read.

Like the first, you can also print a beautiful copy out and hang it close by.

When feeling a little down, read every one, and just see if it doesn’t help.


“I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper.
Then I look at the obituary page.
If my name is not on it, I get up.”

~ Benjamin Franklin

“A man who carries a cat by the tail
learns something he can learn in no other way.”

~ Mark Twain

“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.”

~ Mark Twain

“All generalizations are false, including this one.”

~ Mark Twain

“Don’t tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly,
don’t tell them where they know the fish.”

~ Mark Twain

“Always end the name of your child with a vowel,
so that when you yell the name will carry.”

~ Bill Cosby

“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.”

~ P. J. O’Rourke

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

~ Steven Wright

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”

~ George Carlin

“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”

~ Albert Einstein

“I don’t have a bank account because
I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.”

~ Paula Poundstone

“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three.”

~ Elayne Boosler

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

~ Groucho Marx

“I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.”

~ Emo Philips

“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”

~ Jay Leno

“There’s nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys
at the right time and the instrument plays itself.”

~ Johann Sebastian Bach

“I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,
including:* Both of your socks should always be the same color*
Or they should at least both be fairly dark.”

~ Dave Barry

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have
a disease named after me.”

~ Steve Martin

Now here’s mine:

“I’m guaranteed to have a good time wherever I go, as long as I’m there.”

~ Rob Adelphia 🙂

I hope you had a good laugh or a great big smile. Smile more by sharing it with someone. Make this day a bit more special by making someone else’s day special.

Click here to download the little eBook: Humorous Quotes to Encourage You

Today really does have power. But, only if you want it to.

Live it LOUD!


Look How Hard He Works!


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15 Responses to 19 Funny Quotes That Will Tickle Your Innards

  1. Hey Rob,
    Great quotes and they really made me laugh. God I miss George Carlin. That guy was a genius telling it like it is in a comedic way.

    • Rob says:

      Hey Justin,

      One does not have to appreciate everything about a person in order to appreciate their gifts. Carlin was a comedic genius. Samuel Langhorne Clemens was a witty fellow also.
      Thanks Justin.

  2. Annie Andre says:

    My favorite or at least the one that made me laugh the most is

    “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.
    When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.”

    ~ Albert Einstein

    • Rob says:

      Hey Annie,

      I’ve seen that one by Einstein. It is funny. We all need to remember that life is fun. There aren’t any rules against smiling, laughing and doubling-over.
      See you soon Annie.

      Keep Living it LOUD!

  3. Chris Barba says:


    Great little compilation here Rob!

    “Tonight’s weather…dark”

    I bookmarked a couple of these quotes into my collection. I especially like your own. I think we’re scared to quote ourselves, but insight and knowledge is limitless.

    I muttered this to my sister a couple of years ago, “Think twice before thinking a third time.” …I think the delivery aided in its effectiveness

    • Rob says:

      Hey Chris,

      Love yours. Must have been a good laugh. I think I’ll put it into action:) Your right about insight and knowledge, no matter where it comes from.

      Live it LOUD!

  4. Hajra says:

    This guy named Rob does have the best quotes! Doesn’t he? 😉

  5. I’m a fan of quotes, specially the funny ones. Thanks for sharing Rob.

  6. Hi Rob,

    I did have a good laugh. But I like that they have a good substance in it. 😉

  7. Baezid says:

    Hey Rob,
    Your site is awesome.It’s fun.I have request to you.I want “I’m guaranteed to have a good time wherever I go, as long as I’m there.”
    ~ Rob Adelphia
    This quote for my site.Can i take it??

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